The Dopamine Sabbath: Finding Time to Connect With Your Kids
When was the last time you sat with your kids or spouse without reaching for your phone? If you're like me, whenever there's a lull in the conversation, you feel the urge to scroll, to check, to fill the silence in your brain. Recently, I learned about dopamine sabbaths, and something inside me shifted. I started taking intentional breaks from the digital world, and amazingly, it's already improving how I show up for my family.
The Tug on My Heart
It happened again. No one came out and asked. The idea just drifted into my mind during a conversation with Jody.
I always enjoy talking with Jody. You know the kind – super nice and caring, full of joy, and easy to talk with. She shared that Ruby’s Pantry, one of our church's primary outreach ministries, was seeking to fill a few leadership roles. She beautifully described each role.
Then it started…the thought…the tug on my heart…should I volunteer?
I immediately justified it in my head…
- I enjoy working with the folks already on the leadership team
- It’s only a once-per-month commitment
- I had the experience to do any of the roles they were looking to fill
I told Jody I might be interested. Of course, she was ecstatic. But I had learned years ago not to make a quick decision about signing up for another commitment. I told her I’d pray about it.
Seeking Guidance
Every morning, while enjoying my tea (it used to be coffee), I hide away in a quiet place and take out my journal. Just me, God, and my journal. We talk through my thoughts, emotions, grief, and tough decisions like this one.
It's mostly me talking, because, let's be honest, it's very hard to hear God speak to us.
But this morning was different. Recently, I started reading a book called Sabbath Meditations by John Mark Comer. I don’t practice the Sabbath other than going to church, but a curiosity is developing, and I’ve been pondering the concept.
I was on page 78 today, and it read…
“We meet dozens of people, have so many conversations. We do not feel how much energy we spend on each activity, because we imagine we will always have more energy at our disposal. This one little conversation. This one little extra phone call, this one quick meeting, what can it cost?... But it does cost… it drains yet another drop of our life. Then, at the end of days, weeks, months, years, we collapse, we burn out, and cannot see where it happened. It happened in a thousand unconscious events, tasks, and responsibilities that seemed easy and harmless on the surface, but each one after the other used a small portion of our precious life. And so, we are given a commandment, which is actually a gift: “Remember the Sabbath.”
- Wayne Muller, Sabbath
That, my friend, was God. My heart beat faster, tears welled in my eyes, and I felt His presence in my chest. I didn’t feel a yes or no…just that He was here with me, and would support me either way. “Just remember the Sabbath.”
One Thing Leads to Another
This Sabbath reminder was encouraging. I had actually tried to practice a sabbath this past Sunday. I wasn’t going to get on my computer or tablet, and I silenced my phone. But then I remembered…I needed to submit a Ruby’s Pantry update for our church’s annual report. It was due that day.
So, I hopped on the computer and opened my email to get the link to the annual report. I saw that someone sent me a message on Aligned. So, I went to Aligned and noticed that my profile needed updating. So, I updated my profile.
Can you see what happened here? I actually spent more time updating my profile (because I wanted it perfect) than I spent on my Ruby’s Pantry update.
This annual report update was the only reason I was even talking to Jody that day.
One thing leads to another…and another…and another.
I ended up spending all afternoon on these two items. Then I sit down to dinner, and my husband asks, “Did you get everything done today that you wanted?” I responded, “Well, I tried to do nothing. But that didn’t work out for me!”
And it’s just curious that he even asked the question at all. But more about this in a bit.
It's Easy to Stay Busy
I think Wayne Muller's passage above eloquently explains how we let life happen to us. We just let life happen. Even if we set goals. Even if we’re very organized. Even if we manage our time wisely. We cannot escape the endless ways that life interrupts and hijacks our focus and attention.
Phone calls. Text messages. Emails. Facebook. Instagram. Snapchat. TikTok. Twitter. X. Pinterest. Etsy. ChatGPT. Claude. Gemini. Copilot. Grok. Video games. Netflix. Paramount. AppleTV. Peacock. Amazon Prime. Showtime. HBO. YouTube. Kids. Significant Others. Friends. Work. Sports. School events. Volunteer commitments. Church. Shopping. Dinner plans. Birthdays. Holidays.
“I’m just too busy.” I hear this all the time. I mean, seriously, who’s not too busy? We all are. We all have no problem staying busy. We’re all in this together, myself included. I get it.
My husband says I stay too busy. In his opinion, I have too many things on my calendar. I think he gets exhausted just looking at my calendar. 😊 And this explains why he asked the question at dinner, “Did you get everything done today that you wanted?”
What does my husband do when he’s done working and I’m not? He’s on the couch playing solitaire or Catan. While those activities don’t require as much brain power, and certainly no physical activity, are they any more restful than what I’m still working on?
The Neuroscience of Exhaustion
I like playing Catan too. And I usually play it online because it moves along much quicker than playing with real people. WOW, I just saw it. The reason I prefer playing online is because I can get my dopamine fix much quicker. Dopamine hits are fewer and farther apart when I'm playing with real people.
This reality is rooted in neuroscience: Everything we want more of is an activity or substance that releases dopamine in our brains.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in our brain, and it’s linked to our reward system. When an activity or substance releases dopamine in our brain, our prefrontal cortex stores a memory that says, “That was fun. I want to do that again.”
Online games and social media are strategically designed to trigger dopamine at optimal intervals, keeping us coming back for more. Each like, each laugh, each good roll of the dice, each win makes our brain want more. It’s pure neuroscience, and companies know it.
And here’s another thing: living off dopamine hits is fun, but it doesn’t give us rest. It just rewires our brains to want more and more, and pulls us willingly but unconsciously, into an endless cycle of busyness… which is exhausting.
Our brains need to rest in order for our bodies to feel rested
So, how do we get our brains to rest if even solitaire won’t do it for us?
What Our Kids Need Most From Us
A dopamine sabbath.
Dopamine sabbath (noun): The intentional practice of taking a break from constant digital stimulation and other sources of "instant gratification" to recalibrate one's mental state.
In other words, a regular, intentional pause from high-stimulation activities and digital distractions.
Both parents and kids benefit from a dopamine sabbath. Especially kids, because their brains are still being developed and therefore more easily rewired.
This is what’s heartbreaking to think about (and I’m guilty of it): While we’re all chasing dopamine hits, our kids and grandkids are watching and learning from what we do. They learn what life is like from us. They learn everything from us when they’re young. So, if they see us always scrolling whenever they’re sitting in the same room with us, playing quietly on the floor, they’re learning that it’s normal to be on our phones a lot.
What happens in their brains when we hand them our phone to play a game? The dopamine-seeking behavior begins.
Don’t get me wrong. We were created to seek dopamine. We need dopamine. Dopamine is what motivates us to eat, sleep, and procreate. Without dopamine, we would literally die.
Seeking what I’ll call artificial dopamine, like through online gaming, is what we need to be more conscious of, because it’ll rewire our brains in unhealthy ways.
Do you know that an over-dopaminergic adolescent can easily grow into a restless teenager? That’s because over time, our brain adjusts to better manage artificial dopamine surges. The result is that the same game is no longer satisfying, and a new, more exciting game is required to get the same dopamine fix.
If a restless teenager discovers the extraordinary release of dopamine that substances trigger, they will quickly get hooked – especially if they don't also understand the extraordinary health risks that substances produce.
The other touch point with drug prevention is this:
The most important component of effective drug prevention is parents having ongoing, meaningful conversations with their kids, creating a safe space so their kids will open up to them.
These kinds of conversations won’t happen when we, as parents, are burned out. Because when we’re burned out and stressed, or self-absorbed with our to-do list or phone, we lose patience and we lose empathy. I do this all the time with my husband! I get kind of selfish and easily triggered.
This is not what our kids need when they are struggling with something themselves. And this is not what my husband needs either. So, I’m starting to take small steps in implementing dopamine sabbaths.
Baby Steps Toward Learning How to Rest
I’ve been so addicted to keeping my brain engaged that until recently, I even took my tablet into the bathroom with me – so I could keep working, reading, or scrolling. Anyone else ever do this?
As I said, I’m taking baby steps. I’m using a technique that I heard about in a FitMind video. They suggest this three-part approach.
- Practice strategic discomfort
- Learn to earn your dopamine
- Practice urge surfing
Here are some examples…
Practice strategic discomfort: I try not to take my tablet or phone into the bathroom with me anymore.
Earn my dopamine: I tried working out without the TV on today. No YouTube videos to distract me from my workout. I just focused on working out…which I thought would be boring, but physical activity also releases dopamine, and when we earn dopamine through physical activity, our brain is reminded that physical activity is good – and that we want it.
Practice urge surfing: I sit still, do nothing, and notice where I feel my restlessness. I just pay attention to my urge to do something. I pay attention to where I feel it in my body. And I sit with it. Amazingly, the urge starts to fall away, and I feel calm.
This three-step approach is a simple way to practice recalibrating our mental state. And so far, my baby steps are making baby improvements in my patience and attitude.